


Impact

by pac



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: 2017-2018 NHL Season, Getting Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 04:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13733082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pac/pseuds/pac
Summary: Adrian learns that sometimes the best parts of life are the ones you’re unprepared for.





	Impact

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vidriana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vidriana/gifts).



> Dear Vidriana, 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this fic because the only reason I know of this ship is because of your request (so, also thanks). At first I thought I should give all of your requested players a fair shot, so I Googled Adrian (and Alex)… and when I later realized there’S NO FIC FOR THIS PAIRING AT ALL I was outraged. Then I Googled more and found the interview in which they talk about being roommates and I knew right then I had to do it.   
> By the time I had 3400~ words, I had already put in more thought/time/effort than I have on any fic I’ve ever tried to write before. This is the best shot at emotions/pining I can give, I don’t even know if it’s a decent attempt but. :) 
> 
> Much love, enjoy, etc. 
> 
> PS: ohmY GOD THEY’RE ROOMMATES!
> 
> PPS: I negated the fact that Adrian’s family stayed with them in December(mostly because I didn’t have time to decide how to include it). 
> 
> [ + the one pic primer https://nhl.bamcontent.com/images/photos/293518550/1024x576/cut.jpg ]

Getting off the plane in California in the early days of September, Adrian feels ready. There’s the typical pre-season anticipation, looking forward to a fresh start for his team, of course, but on top of it a drive to prove himself more than ever before. This isn’t entirely unlike the previous three times he’s done this, first in the Monarchs’ hunt for the Calder and the last two seasons coming to play for the Reign… each year he’s gone in with the intention to show he’s not just good, but great. This year he feels it like a fire. 

 

He was excited to get called up in February, but the Kings didn’t make the playoffs, and back in Ontario, the Reign lost in the first round… it all left an unsatisfied buzz just under his skin. No, _ his performance _ left that dissatisfaction fizzling all summer

 

He spent the handful of weeks he had in Europe pushing himself to train harder each day, only braking when his boys were there to distract him from it all. Making his way through LAX, that buzz hasn’t faded in the slightest.

 

This year he’s ready to make the team right out of the gate, to again work towards the closure he knows only a championship will give. He feels ready for whatever this season will throw at him.

 

~

 

Adrian was not ready for Alex.

 

Alex is all blinding smile and impossibly bright eyes. The first time they meet, it takes him by surprise. Adrian lets himself soak in it like he's not going to have to play with the guy all year, because (foolishly) his first assumption is that he won't. Otherwise, he especially wouldn't have humoured the instant attraction- Adrian's pretty practised at ignoring that part of himself by now. This time last year, he would've told himself to shut down the suggestive train of thought about any male’s face immediately, but thanks to Mario's voice in his head telling him to 'live a little, you're not just a hockey machine', he lets it go a bit further. 

 

He even goes so far as to tell Mario about the guy with the prettiest eyes he’s ever seen- intentionally leaving out the part about meeting him at training camp of all places, making up some random place that this mind-blowing first sight happened. 

 

“Did you get his number, then?” Mario asks, voice staticky through the speakerphone, sounding excited almost. That much is expected, he’s been one of Adrian’s biggest supports in this whole discovering-and-handling-his-sexuality thing. His big brother firmly believes he should be freely out as gay, and Adrian believes that’s still a pipe dream. 

 

“Nah,” he brushes it off, feeling his cheeks heat at the idea that if he met Alex anywhere else, that might’ve been a possibility. Then, he remembers exactly why he doesn’t shoot his shot with strangers either; the fear of shame, being outed to an entire league that probably wouldn’t love him for it, being rejected at all because he has no gaydar, whatever that is… there are many reasons he knows he can’t ask Alex on a date, but he needs no more than him being a teammate. 

 

“Why not?” Mario groans, but he can hear the grin in his brother’s tone, “You’re hot, young, and in California of all places? Your chances are better than you think. Go to that particular Starbucks more often, and next time you see him… Get. His. Number.”

 

Mario’s vehement support for him to finally get a date makes Adrian laugh, delighted with how much his brother loves him, and full of love for him right back. He thinks there should be more guilt in the pit of his stomach for lying about who the guy was, but again, he’s practised at this, he can keep shrugging it off.

 

“Maybe,” he returns like he’ll actually consider the advice, and changes the subject, asks about Arizona.

 

~

 

It feels like forever since he came out to Jonny, near the end of their first season together on the Reign. Whether Brodzy would accept him for it, he didn’t know for sure, but he did know for sure he could trust that he wouldn’t go spreading it around. At the time, Adrian had mostly wanted someone to understand why he didn’t follow along with all the singles on the team going out to wheel. It turned out to be the best decision he could’ve made, because Brodzy welcomed it without hesitation, the same way Toff had when they met and became quick friends. Letting them in lifted a weight off his shoulders that he hadn’t even been aware of. 

 

Adrian knows he has no shortage of support, and he’s even confident that most of the guys on the team this year would accept his sexuality easily. There’s always the fear lingering at the edges- like when they go out to celebrate the end of training camp. It still sucks to have to reject a nice girl at the bar and fend off all the questions when he gets back to the crowd of his teammates. 

 

Jonny nudges him with his elbow when he sinks into the booth next to him, something he knows is supposed to be a comforting touch. Adrian’s thankful for the dim lighting hiding his blush, and that someone a table or so away spilled enough to become the center of the hoots and hollers after not too long. He leans a bit more against Jonny, and the conversation continues without him while he glances around to double check no one’s eyeing him suspiciously.

 

He swears he’s not paranoid- but if he doesn’t make sure, the anxious-sick feeling rising from the pit of his stomach will only intensify. Adrian figures it’s only a matter of time before the guys think he’s lying about being single, or start to catch onto the truth. Jonny nudges him again when it’s obvious that Adrian’s zoned out of the table’s conversation completely. 

 

~

 

Alex continues to be the most effortlessly gorgeous person Adrian can imagine, it carries into his hockey, onto the ice where he impresses everyone. He acts like it’s not a big deal, the jump from college hockey to dropping jaws at the NHL level, but Adrian thinks it’s at least more admirable of a feat than his own impressions on the coaching staff. It’s already clear Alex is infallibly humble, and he wishes he didn’t like that so much. He wishes he didn’t like a lot about Alex  _ so much _ … 

 

When Tanner brings up the concept of him and Alex sharing an apartment, because it’s smart and they’re both looking for a place anyway, Adrian’s first instinct is to come up with a polite reason to decline. Instead, he nearly instantly agrees to apartment hunting when Alex’s big brown eyes focus on him with an excitement he  wasn’t expecting. 

 

“Yeah! Future roomies!” Alex exclaims, ruddy cheeks brighter with either the last effects of the exertion of practise or actual jubilation, either way Adrian likes it. 

 

“Fuck yeah,” he agrees, letting the delight of his now-future-roommate bring a grin to his own face. Adrian already knew he’d have to keep shoving down this piddly crush, maybe living with the guy will turn him off of it… 

 

It’s already absurdly clear he’s let it go too far.

 

~ 

 

It’s almost surreal when he and Jonny find out they’ll be in the lineup for the China game, and the entire trip proves to be as borderline unbelievable. Adrian gets the first goal of the game and they redeem themselves from the loss in their first preseason game.

 

While there, he receives endless Snaps from Alex about each and every apartment listing he sees. There are a couple in between of himself giving either a thumbs up or down after viewing a place, one of his laptop playing a show Adrian doesn’t recognize and saying that he’s bored. On their last night in China, Adrian sends most of his contacts yet another picture of an obscure corner of his and Jonny’s room, white block letters filling the Snap with ‘last night’. Within minutes, he gets a selfie of Alex smiling, reclined on a cushy couch with the caption ‘can’t wait to see you!’ and Adrian screenshots it without thinking twice. 

 

To make up for that lack of thought, his brain doesn’t let him put it to rest for the remainder of the evening until he’s passing out. In the midst of the meltdown over his poor judgement and wondering if Alex will immediately see the changed icon beside his name and jump to (the correct) conclusions, he never did reply to that Snap. 

 

He, ever so lamely, asks Brodzy the next day if he’s ever accidentally screenshotted a snap. Jonny laughs. 

 

“Yeah, man, pretty sure anyone with the app installed has,” Brodzy answers with his expression and tone full of amusement, swiftly reaching out to ruffle Adrian’s flow before he can get swatted away, “Don’t worry your pretty head about it.”

 

~

 

September ends, and the NHL season officially begins. They settle on a place in mid-October, sign papers to make the move in date of November 1st official. 

 

Alex really loves the place, and Adrian does too but Alex is so enthused that it’s close to the beach and that there’s a balcony- “We can grill on the balcony, Juice!”- that he’ll hardly stop talking about it. It’s another thing that Adrian wishes weren’t so adorable, another thing he’s assuming will wear off. 

 

They go furniture shopping and flop themselves down on all of the sofas and mattresses available, and thankfully neither of them care about interior design so they easily agree on the comfiest choices for living room furniture.

 

“I don’t even think I need a whole set,” Adrian mentions in the midst of giggling at Alex hopping on each mattress they pass- even though they already decided on the mattresses themselves, and he thinks they’re all the same in each bedroom display. 

 

“Going for the typical early-twenties dude-room, no furniture just laundry on the floor and a mattress on a box spring?” Alex throws him an amused look, continuing when Adrian shrugs, “C’mon, Juice, that’s not gonna impress any ladies.” 

 

Thankfully, Alex moves onto the next bedroom set and doesn’t mention it if he notices Adrian visibly wilt. For a moment, Adrian considers telling Alex he’s not looking to impress any ladies but he’d take his suggestions to impress cute guys. Instead, he bites his lip and follows him to yet another dark wood set with detailing he knows neither of them care for much. Alex still looks at each piece. It was apparent after the first ten minutes he was going to look at everything even after he decided on what he wants, and Adrian watches on.

 

“You gonna go with something like this to impress the ladies, Fallsy?” Adrian teases, only the smallest smirk on his face when Alex looks back at him.

“It’s an option,” he answers with a laugh in his voice. As is becoming common, Adrian feels a little spike of pride for making him laugh. The subject is dropped easily after that. 

 

By the time they pay for their furniture and leave to get a bite to eat, Adrian’s forgotten all about the almost-coming-out-to-Alex thing. It’s easy to forget when he’s with Alex. 

 

~

 

The Kings have a wildly successful October, and before he’s even fully prepared, he and Alex are moving into their new apartment. There’s a surprise housewarming where all the guys show up out of nowhere to help them settle in- which just turns out to be making a mess of cans and bottles amidst the boxes and new-furniture wrappings.

 

The next morning, Jonny, Toff, and Tanner all stay to help clean up and actually start unpacking. It goes quickly, and by noon they’ve got a list a mile long of things they never even considered they’d need. 

 

“Alex, I agreed to be your roommate ‘cause I thought you knew all this shit,” Adrian calls with a half-hearted chuckle, staring down at the long list of utensils and other household items. Turns out, neither of them had much of anything in California to start off with. 

 

“Here, I thought I had reeled you in with my good looks,” Alex pops around the corner with one of those bright smiles on his face, shooting over a wink before disappearing down the hallway again to where he and Tanner are still trying to put together his bed frame. 

 

Tyler laughs obnoxiously and tells Alex, “Juice is used to being the one getting by on his looks! You’ll be headed for a world of trouble if you leave any adult shit up to him!” 

 

“Hey,” he pipes up in his own defense, “I don’t expect it, you all just take care of me because of my good looks.”

 

“He’s got a point there, you know you’ve got a sweet spot for that face,” Tanner calls from the other room, obviously towards Toff. 

 

At first, Tyler scoffs, then slowly turns his head towards Adrian with a skeptical expression.

 

“Okay, maaaaybe-” he finally gives, which prompts Adrian to beam over at him, “But he’s definitely Fallsy’s problem now!” 

 

“Pft, I’m more than one man can handle,” Adrian fires back with a dramatic eye roll, and a complimentary flick of his hair. 

 

“I’ll happily take the responsibility of the Golden Boy’s caretaker,” Alex chuckles as he walks back into the living room. Adrian glances over, can’t help but take in the sheen of sweat leading down his neck. Alex catches his eye and smirks- at first, he wonders if his trail of thought was that obvious, but Alex continues, “He’s always been well-behaved for me.” 

 

He very nearly chokes on the air he’s breathing but manages not to make it obvious. Adrian can’t muster words, only a roll of his eyes, aiming for just as dramatic as the one he gave Toff. He’s quick to duck his head, staring at the list again to hide his wild blush. 

 

Thankfully, Jonny takes that moment to snort and tell Alex, “Right, good luck with that lasting longer than the first week.” 

 

~

 

Everything’s a mix of hard-played hockey and press through November. The Kings media love him and Alex, both individually and together, apparently. It’s nice, even though Adrian wouldn’t say he’s anything of a character in front of the camera. Sometimes he thinks it’s only nice because he’s shoulder-to-shoulder with Alex. 

 

One evening, after spending almost an entire off-day with a too-cheerful lady for some kind of interview piece, he takes note that Alex may not find it so nice at all. They made dinner once they got home- or, Alex cooked while Adrian did as he was told, as is becoming a habit- and they ate quietly at the table… but it wasn’t because they were too busy stuffing their faces or focusing on their phones. It was just quiet, and Adrian couldn’t quite figure out how to handle it. 

 

The season’s only started but he can see the difference in the dark circles under Alex’s eyes; he tells himself it’s not because he’s looking too hard, or too much. He knows it’d be rude to call it out, may sound accusing, like he doesn’t think Alex can handle The Show, and that just isn’t the truth. 

 

“Y’alright, Fallsy?” He finally asks, mumbles it as he’s wiping his mouth, getting up to take both of their plates to the sink. He doesn’t bother trying to make eye contact, knows Alex is steadily avoiding it. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Alex scrubbing his palms over the sweats he changed into when they first walked in. 

 

“Yeah, man,” he answers, voice falling flat, just as Adrian expected, “Tired, I guess.” 

 

Resting his hip against the counter, he looks back to Alex, his eyes and his heart softening. He gets it, life is tiring. He’s felt so tired he couldn’t hold a conversation, so frustrated he could taste it, so overwhelmed it threatened to choke him. Adrian can’t express any of it, thinks it probably speaks poorly for his empathy or something. He smiles, trying and wide, because he can’t resist the need to fix it. 

 

“Should tonight be the night I let you force-feed me The Office Place, or whatever the show is?” He asks, the only answer he can even think of to make the downward slope of Alex’s mouth dissipate. Adrian knows very well that’s not the name of Alex’s favourite show, which he’s only postponed watching out of stubbornness. Just as he already knows the simple pleasure will at least give Alex a relief, bring back that bright smile. 

 

It does, and then Alex is aggressively correcting him and assuring him tonight should be the night. 

 

Less than ten minutes later, Adrian’s in his pajamas and stretching his long frame across half of their sectional. Alex is already settled on the other half, both their heads resting on the same pile of plush throw cushions in the corner of it. 

 

It turns out that Adrian finds it as hilarious as Alex had boasted. He doesn’t mind having Alex’s laugh just inches from his ear, he doesn’t mind staring at his bright eyes in the light of Netflix.

 

Alex ends up deciding he has to see Adrian through each episode to make sure he continues watching the whole series, even though it’ll probably take them two months to get through all nine seasons. Adrian doesn’t mind, mostly because that means having Alex right next to him the whole time, pointing out his favourite parts and laughing along with him. 

 

~

 

“You gotta come out tonight,” Tyler goads after their last game of November, a good win over the Caps, “You two old-marrieds have done nothing but watch The Office for weeks now.” 

 

Adrian rolls his eyes, already chuckling, “It’s a good show, and it’s been barely two weeks since we started, you baby. You’ve been missing my undivided attention that much Toff?” 

 

“Hardly,” Tyler scoffs back at him, “You two can be attached at the hip at the bar, don’t worry.” 

 

A bright, loud laugh bubbles out of Adrian at the chirp. Not that the jokes are all that funny, pretty unoriginal on Toff’s part; but there’s something warm that spreads through his chest at the picture of him and Alex attached at the hip, the Kings’ rookies Bromance of the Year or whatever they’re trying for. They have spent as much time as they can find, whether at home or on the road, huddled together for their Netflix binge over the past week and a half. It’s turned out to be great bonding, and maybe his perspective is a bit muddled because he’s been trying not to like Alex too much, but he thinks they could stand to be in that bubble for another week.

 

When he turns to look at Alex, those brown eyes are already on him, and there’s a flash of shared amusement. Adrian thinks he’d rather go right home, not just because he knows it’s Alex’s preference over a bar any day (a fact from the new ‘Alex Things’ folder in his brain, where he’s stored literally everything he can of what Alex has shared with him), but because he would rather be on their couch too. 

 

He’s about to tell Toff he’ll just have to suck it up and wait until their done the whole series, maybe, when an unfamiliar hesitation falters Alex’s whole expression. Before he can decipher why, Alex is the one replying- “I’ll come out, could use a few drinks anyway.” 

 

He knows it’s stupid that his own grin falls so easily at that; it’s probably not because it bothers Alex to be called attached at the hip but… but what if it does bother him. What if he doesn’t want people to tease them about being so close, what if he doesn’t even want to be that close… 

 

Adrian ducks his head quickly and says he’s in as well. 

 

At the bar, Alex doesn’t even sit at the same table as him, and Adrian tries to convince himself that’s not a thing either. He doesn’t do a very good job and buys three rounds of shots to at least force himself not to feel so much about it. He buys the same for Brodzy so it almost feels like that’s not the reason he takes the shots too quickly. 

 

An hour, probably closer to two, later Adrian’s already very close to hammered. He easily lost track of his shot count, and by the time he stumbles off the dance floor from a sandwich of pretty little blondes he’s also lost track of most of the team. Looking around, he can’t even remember where their table was, but he eventually finds it because Tanner passes him on the way back to it from the bar. So he doesn’t lose him in the crowd, Adrian throws an arm over Tanner’s unsuspecting shoulder. 

 

“Hey, Juice, where you been?” Pearson asks with a laugh after having assessed his drunk mess of a teammate. 

 

“Dancin’,” Adrian answers with a dopey grin, stumbling along with Tanner until they get to what’s left of their group where he’s gracelessly deposited off Pears’ shoulder and into one of the booths. 

 

“Who let Adrian loose on the dance floor?” He hears Tanner ask all the guys, just to tease him, and it draws a laugh as expected. He giggles at it too, though slightly belated.  

 

“We’ll blame Fallsy! He was the chaperone and he left early,” Adrian doesn’t catch who says it, but the only part that sticks is that Alex left early. 

 

It’s obvious to him now that the last couple shots he’d downed had only seemed like a passably good idea because he was already drunk as he now he feels like he’s spinning even though he’s finally sitting. He still hasn’t forgotten that Alex left early, even throughout a minute of hiccups while the guys resume the conversation about whatever that isn’t as important as the topic of Alex leaving early. 

 

“Why’d he go?” Adrian eventually slurs out, head swinging every which way as he looks to find someone to explain it to him.

 

Brodzy, across the table, lifts to clap a hand on his shoulder. There’s a mildly concerned look on his face when Adrian looks over. “He just wasn’t into it-” he gives, but Adrian immediately doesn’t accept that, just doesn’t get the chance to say so before Jonny continues, “You okay, bro? I think we should get you an Uber home…” 

 

Home. So he can make sure Alex is okay- that sounds like a good idea, much better than those shots. He nods dumbly; before he really knows it he’s being shoved into the back of a sedan and sent on his way. It takes about five or ten minutes in the car for his head to clear even the littlest bit so he can look out the window and recognize they’re not far now.

 

He’s already regretting the choice to drink so quickly and dance so much, because he still feels a bit like he’s spinning and the blur of all the lights they pass on the way don’t help. There’s still a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach that Adrian just can’t figure out; now that he’s alone in the back of an Uber rather than surrounded by a faceless crowd, his level of drunkenness feels much more pathetic. 

 

He slurs a thank you to the driver when he pulls up in front of the apartments. Making his way up to their door is a much more difficult task. He manages, slowly and only stumbling into every other thing that can hold his weight upright on the way. However, getting his key into the keyhole turns into the equivalent of something from a bad comedy, and he groans- not with the realization but because his head’s started to hurt enough that he’s beginning to consider laying down outside the door, taking a nap and trying again later. 

 

That’s when the door opens, leaving Adrian to slump sideways against the door jamb, half with relief and half because he can’t be bothered to keep himself upright otherwise. 

 

“Adrian?” Alex speaks up after a moment; Adrian can only hum a half-assed greeting and then Alex is pulling on his arm, bringing him inside gently, “I didn’t expect you back so soon, I thought you could hold your liquor better than this.” 

 

Adrian can recognize the teasing in his voice, eyes so heavy-lidded right now he doesn’t look to see the expression on Alex’s face though. He chuckles, breathless and self-deprecating, as he walks away from the grip on his shoulders. He makes it a few feet further into the entryway before reaching a hand out to steady himself against the wall. 

 

“I- uh, usually can,” he answers, squeezing his eyes shut to combat the dizziness, doesn’t follow up with the ‘when I’m not being an idiot about you’ that runs through his mind. 

 

“What happened? Last I saw you were having a good time with a short brunette,” he barely hears Alex close and lock the door and then he’s walking past him into the apartment. Adrian very vaguely remembers a good dancer with soft, curly brown hair that had tried to kiss his neck too much for his liking, given he wasn’t into her in the way their hips would have implied. It gives him a bit of a timeline on how early Alex left, anyway. 

 

“Mh, lost shots of my count… er-” Adrian tries to get out, falling into a fit of laughter and he fumbles through correcting himself as he follows Alex to the living room. 

 

Alex gives a slightly amused look, and Adrian can’t blame him for not finding it as funny as he does, but he can’t help himself from continuing to giggle as he goes to flop down on the couch beside Alex. 

 

“What happened to you, though?” He asks once he settles down, tossing an arm out uselessly which thuds against Alex’s shoulder, back of his hand resting against his chest. He leaves it there and cranes his neck to the side to look at him- Alex has already resumed whatever game he was playing on the PS4. The light of the TV and one from the hall is all that’s lighting the 1:30 AM darkness, Adrian smiles because Alex’s profile looks good in the glow. 

 

The distracted grin fades when all he gets is a shrug from Alex. 

 

“Alex,” Adrian starts again, brows knitting together, “You wanted to go for drinks. What happened?” 

 

“I didn’t really,” Alex says, his eyes flicking to Adrian for only a second, “I just didn’t want to seem antisocial, or whatever. And by the looks of it you did want a night out.” 

 

“I… didn’t really,” he parrots after a moment, confused as his drunk mind tries to piece things together. The knot of worry over the idea that Alex wanted out of hanging out with him at home begins to unravel a little. “I would’ve rather stayed in with you…” 

 

It comes out too soft, too honest but it’s too late to take it back now. Adrian blinks himself out of the stare he held on Alex’s face, forcing his head back forwards and yanking his arm back into his own space. 

 

The well of panic in his chest recedes easily when Alex shifts his elbow up to tap Adrian’s shoulder where he’s slouched too far into the cushions and says, “Good- I mean, me too. Next time we’ll stay in, and you won’t have to deal with a hangover like you will in the morning.”

 

Adrian hiccups on a laugh, he knows it’s true. If anything, the way he leans into Alex’s side can be blamed on being drunk and tired. 

 

He wakes up when his blood sugar crashes a few hours later, laid down across the sectional with the throw blanket tucked around him and a pillow from his room under his head. The warmth of gratefulness fills him, last remembering only a flash of Alex fondly (he thinks) assuring him he could rest on his shoulder while he kept playing. 

 

~

 

Adrian’s had the conversation with Mario before- the one where he’s reassured he shouldn’t feel guilty for being gay, he shouldn’t feel the need to disclose it to everyone he knows like it’s a contagious disease, if someone isn’t okay with his sexuality that’s their problem- so he doesn’t go that route. He still needs his big brother’s advice, though, wouldn’t be able to bring himself to ask anyone else. One of those just in case things; not to mention Mario has always been there for him, no matter what, and always given the best words of wisdom. 

 

“How do you get over someone you can’t have?” Is what he asks over the phone one night after they’ve already been talking for over a half an hour. He’s playing with the strings of his sweater, can feel his forehead wrinkled with his internal distress, and knows he can’t get out of talking about it now. 

 

“I- I dunno, can you give me more than that?” Mario prompts over the line, and Adrian already knows he’s worried because his little brother has never been good with this stuff. He remembers thinking he should’ve asked a couple weeks ago when they played each other, even during the short time they spent together, he could’ve at least gotten a comforting hug. 

 

“Like a crush. I have a stupid crush on someone I shouldn’t have a crush on and-” he takes in a big breath, heart beating too fast from the confession. Alex isn’t home, it’s not like he’ll overhear, it’s not like Mario would judge him for it… “I- I can’t keep it up, pretending I don’t… It’s Alex, and I don’t know how to make it stop.” 

 

He hears Mario’s sigh, it sounds like he wants to say ‘Adrian, you should’ve talked to me sooner’ or ‘Adrian, you stupid boy’ or both, a combination of the two. He’s being careful for Adrian’s sake; he doesn’t even need to tell his big brother that he feels guilty for it, that he’s called himself stupid more than he’s called the crush stupid. Mario already knows. 

 

“You won’t tell him?” Is what Mario asks after a few moments and another sigh.

 

“Of course not,” Adrian laughs, but it’s not with amusement by any means, they can both hear that there are tears filling his eyes already. They don’t need to go over the reasons why; he knows Mario wouldn’t argue that it’d be too risky, even if he may want to. 

 

“Have you been with anyone? Gone out to pick up at all?” 

 

“No,” he answers, doesn’t want to say that the last time he considered anyone other than Alex was before they met. It was over the summer, something familiar with Lukas that they don’t talk about but have revisited a few summers in a row now. It’s not enough to force that into his mind when he’s getting himself off. 

 

“Do it- take Jonny or Tyler. You know they would,” Mario suggests, not for the first time but this time, he doesn’t sound as sure that it’ll help. Not like when he said he was lonely last season. 

 

He doesn’t have the energy to reject the idea that he’d need someone to go with him, though any other day he would be mildly offended by it. Now he’ll even admit to himself that it’s probably true.

 

“Okay,” he nods in the darkness of his bedroom, using the sleeve of his sweater to dry his face. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Mario replies, incredibly soft now, “-that I can’t help more… but if it helps, I don’t think he’d mind you telling him…” 

 

Adrian doesn’t think he could risk it, even if he can’t picture Alex trying to hurt him in any way. He’s afraid of how much of it might be losing Alex’s closeness- him moving out, or trying to put distance between them even if just to help Adrian get over it when he’s inevitably rejected- that keeps him from humouring it further. 

 

“Thank you, bror,” is all he says, but he means it. There’s no end to how much he appreciates Mario’s willingness to comfort him. 

 

~ 

 

He doesn’t actually take any action for a couple days. They get an OT win on a Saturday at home, and he fights off the idea of asking Jonny to go to a gay bar with him the whole time they’re winding down in the locker room. Not that he thinks he’d decline, but he’s mostly gotten it into his head that this is a step he needs to take on his own. The back and forth makes Adrian feel silly for putting so much weight behind trying to wheel a dude in the first place. He then thinks to himself that this whole situation is fucking silly.

 

“You with us?” Tanner catches his attention with a spare towel thrown at his knee, looking expectant. 

 

“Hm?” 

 

“Out- are you coming with us?” He repeats, brows only lifting further with anticipation.

 

“Nah,” Adrian shakes his head after a beat of thought, “I’ve got plans.” 

 

It’s mostly a lie, but he definitely doesn’t want to do something like reinstalling Grindr in a random bar and hope none of his teammates pay attention once he wanders off. He’s got a place in mind, at least, that can count as a plan. The guys don’t bug him about it. 

 

A while later that night, Adrian’s standing at a bar, sleeves of his gray shirt rolled up to his elbows and overgrown hair falling into his eyes. He orders himself a couple shots, to take in quick succession the way he does when he wants to dance, like he did the last time he was doing it to push Alex to the back of his mind. 

 

It works. To the point that he doesn’t feel like he’s going to overheat with panic when he drifts into the crowd of dancing men, at least. It works enough that when he feels a wide hand on his hip, he doesn’t jump away from it. 

 

For the amount he likes dancing when he’s out at a club or at a party, regardless of if it’s American or European dance music, he hasn’t danced with many men. It takes him a moment too long to relax into a rhythm with the body he turns to find, but not long enough for him to seem disinterested clearly. The guy’s got dark hair, almost black in the precarious lighting, and handsomely bold eyebrows. There’s something about his teeth-baring smirk that makes heat stir deep in Adrian. They’re nearly matching in height, so he’s not sure it does much to hide his bashful responding smile when he ducks his head. 

 

They only stop dancing when they’re both a bit too sweaty and in need of water- Adrian follows Mitchell (they finally introduced themselves after the fourth or fifth song) off the dance floor, letting his hand stay wrapped up in his. Adrian wonders if he can tell he’s not used to doing this, but nothing is said, and they exchange looks that serve as something like flirting while they drink from the bottles of water Mitchell gets them. 

 

He goes when a hand flattens high on his ribs and guides him to the side of the dance floor rather than back to the middle. Adrian’s breath catches in his throat as he’s closed in by the muscular frame of the other man- it’s not bad, it’s overwhelming. He catches himself from stumbling back by grabbing onto Mitchell’s shirt when he leans in the inch or two to kiss Adrian. Somehow, the rushed collision of their mouths still brings a surprised sound from Adrian’s throat. 

 

Again, it isn’t bad, but it is overwhelming. Mitchell is attractive, he’d fit right into a video Adrian would watch on an incognito browser… but as their mouths move against each other, Mitchell’s hands greedily drifting up and down Adrian’s sides, he still has to remind himself why he’s here with this random guy. If the kiss wasn’t quite working to get him riled up before, remembering that he should be fucking his way to forgetting his feelings for Alex definitely impedes on it. 

 

He’s everywhere but with his body in Mitchell’s arms, and by the time Adrian pulls back he’s regretting even deciding to come to this bar. The man doesn’t seem to have noticed that his mind drifted all the way back to Manhattan Beach, gives him a confident smile as he pushes Adrian’s unruly hair back. Mitchell’s eyes are green, and Adrian can’t find the sparkle he’s looking for in them. 

 

“I’m- you- you’re really hot, but I think I should go,” Adrian admits, raising his voice more than he needs to so he’s sure Mitchell hears him over the boom of club music. 

 

“Alright,” Mitchell nods slowly, through the confused expression on his face. Adrian wouldn’t blame him for being a bit upset at his sudden change of heart, but the guy continues, “Will you at least take my number?” 

 

Adrian doesn’t feel so bad about that, so he cracks a smile and pulls out his phone to write it in. He sends off for an Uber to pick him up at the same time, right before pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of Mitchell’s mouth and leaving him with an apologetic smile. 

 

He’s mostly sober by the time he gets home, but part of him wishes he were, or that he had a bottle in the freezer to drink when he got in. There’s no fuss with the lock this time but moments after he walks in, Alex pokes his head into the entryway. He greets Adrian with a gentle smile, one Adrian’s helpless to and instantly returns.

 

“How were those, uh, plans?” Alex asks after another second.

 

He looks down to his shoes as he finishes toeing them off onto the mat, feels his cheeks heat. “Pretty good,” he answers, clearing his throat, “You go out with the guys?” 

 

“Nope, I’ve been uh, honing my Chel skills,” Adrian likes the way Alex laughs at himself, soft like the smile on his face as he looks down at his socked feet.

 

“In the mood for an audience?” He asks, looking up at Alex through the fringe falling across his face. Adrian curses his heart for beating even faster at the smile he gets back.

 

A short while later, shoulder to shoulder with Alex on the sofa, he wonders if Alex can tell that chirping his video game skills is just a really flimsy excuse for Adrian just be there with him. He’s looking over at Alex’s face, tight with concentration on his game- thinking that if he’s figured it out he at least doesn’t mind- when Alex speaks up, “You smell weird.” 

 

Adrian’s nose crinkles for a moment, thinking how, and then he remembers the strength of Mitchell’s cologne and realizes it must’ve clung to his skin, his clothes. His whole body suddenly feels flushed with something akin to shame. The only explanation is really the last thing he wants to explain to Alex right now. 

 

“Oh- I must’ve used too much of that smelly stuff when I left,” he excuses, ducking his head and suddenly wishing he had changed before getting all comfortable. 

 

“Nah, that stuff smells good,” he feels Alex’s shoulders shrug next to his, and he forces himself not to read into the fact that Alex knows his cologne, likes it, “... Sorry, it’s dumb. I don’t mean you smell bad, I just- it’s different.” 

 

“Maybe the Uber driver went overboard with Axe or something,” Adrian mumbles, because he doesn’t want to agree that it’s dumb, he can’t say that it’s not the type of attention he wants from Alex… he reminds himself that he smells like sweat and the overuse of expensive cologne, Alex probably just doesn’t want the smell to seep into their couch. 

 

He gets up after a long moment, quickly telling Alex that he’s just gonna go change into his pajamas. 

 

~

 

They get to New York a full two days before their game against the Rangers. Adrian’s never been much of a tourist, but the way everyone talks about the Big Apple makes him thankful they have some extra time there. Alex especially has been talking his ear off about this East Coast roadie; not that he minds in the least because Alex gets this special glint in his eyes when he talks about home and all the memories he has in New York. It’s unbearably gentle and when it shows as he’s going on about how he’d like to show Adrian so many things, he feels like he could get addicted to it. 

 

Most of the guys get a free pass on Thursday; him and Alex get corralled (by the type of people that Adrian likes to call ‘handlers’, he doesn’t know their real job title but they’re always there to get them where the Kings organization wants them) and told they have things to do. ‘Things’ include going to the NHL Headquarters, an awkward interview with people on the other end of earpieces while he and Alex bump knees on mildly uncomfortable stools, a meeting that’s at least in-person but just as uncomfortable with the commissioner, then photo-ops with sweet Kings merch that they both agree isn’t the worst part of it. 

 

The whole day is fun, though. He doesn’t think he’s enjoyed himself so much doing anything media-related since… well, ever, not even when it was him and Brodzy and a small camera crew on the Reign, ribbing each other for their boring answers about holiday memories and the like. He’s starting to realize that everything is more fun with Alex; he’s also starting to lose track of where the camaraderie ends and the non-platonic mess of emotions attached to Alex in his mind begins. Adrian tells himself to overthink it later. 

 

He’s bugging Alex for a snap in front of the big Christmas tree, admiring the blush on Alex’s face because he says he’s not photogenic- which, as he wholeheartedly believes, Adrian tells him is a lie- when one of the handlers says it’s a good idea. She says a picture of them taking a picture would be good, along with the one they’re there to take in the first place. This is the breaking point for Alex’s will and he concedes, resulting in a hoot of victory from Adrian(even if he’s not directly responsible for the W). 

 

“I look so awkward,” Alex chuckles when Adrian shows him the selfie, “Next to you, anyway. Sorry that not all of us can be models for your Insta, Juice.” 

 

An involuntary pout forces itself into the place of what was a bright smile because he, for one, will not stand for such obvious lies. 

 

“It’ll be the best picture my story’s ever seen,” he knows he sounds offended, and the reaction Alex is expecting would be something playful, maybe even smug, “You look great.”

 

For a moment he wonders if he sounded too ardent on the matter, but then Alex ducks his head, a smile on his face, and shoves at Adrian’s shoulder as he says, “Yeah, yeah, at least you don’t have your tongue out for once.”

 

Thankfully he’s always been pretty insistent on his teammates being in his stories and pictures, he thinks that’s probably what saved him there.

 

~

 

As soon as they get back to the hotel early that evening, he hunts down Jonny. Toff was his second option, but he manages to find them both at the same time- and Tanner, but when isn’t he with Tyler, really. 

 

Adrian bounds into Jonny’s hotel room with such urgency that all three heads whip towards him, utter confusion written all over their faces. He takes a huge breath and explains as soon as the door falls shut behind him. 

 

“I’ve got a problem- a big problem, a problem I thought I could handle but that I definitely cannot handle,” he kind of feels like he’s going to shake out of his own skin if he doesn’t get it out, and can’t even be bothered to worry that he hasn’t come out to Pears yet, “It’s Alex. I know it’s so stupid, but I’ve got a crush the size of this apple on him and I’m going to fuck everything up. He’s going to hate me and move out, and never talk to me, and everyone’s going to know I’m an idiot who fell for his teammate and they’re all going to hate me and-”

 

He doesn’t realize he’s not only hyperventilating but almost crying until Jonny’s right there, both hands holding onto his shoulders tightly to keep him steady, telling him it’s going to be okay as he pulls him into a hug. Adrian clings to him, obeying when Jonny says to take deep breaths. 

 

“Wait…” he hears Tanner speak up once he’s visibly calmed down, “So you mean to tell me you and Alex aren’t a thing? Because I- oof, HEY.” 

 

Adrian lifts his head from Brodzy’s shoulder to see Tyler repeatedly bouncing a pillow off Tanner’s head, who’s curled up to avoid any face shots. He laughs at the sight and finally peels himself off Jonny, who doesn’t leave his side while he goes to sit on the end of one of the beds by where the Ts are sitting on the floor. 

 

“Man…” Brodzy starts, “What do you mean the size of this apple, though?” 

 

“The Big Apple…” Adrian waves his hand around as if to gesture at the city they’re in as a whole. This gets a laugh from all three of the guys, and Adrian’s face flames but it’s by far not the most embarrassing thing he’s said in the last few minutes.

 

“Just say the size of Texas, Juice, that one’s an actual saying,” Tyler suggests. 

 

“Whatever,” he huffs, flopping himself back on the bed to stare up at the ceiling, “Texas, New York, Russia… it feels like it’s the size of the Earth itself, and I just need it to stop. Every time I look at him it’s just- too much! I keep having to remind myself that it’s weird, and it’ll probably make him uncomfortable if he realizes his teammate slash roommate is heart-eyeing him, but how do I not heart-eye him when he’s perfect, and everywhere, and even hot dudes in v-necks at a club can’t distract me from it.” 

 

“First of all, he’s just as perfect as the rest of us, which is to say not,” Tanner puts in, “Secondly, how do you not see that h-” there’s another thwomp of the pillow “-OW, stop it.” 

 

“That did not hurt,” Tyler scoffs. 

 

Adrian sits up again, giving the pair on the floor a bemused expression, “What were you about to say, Pears?” 

 

Before Tanner can answer, Tyler shoves the pillow in his face and smiles warmly up at Adrian, “He was going to say that he, as we all do, doesn’t think Alex would react as negatively as you think if you were to tell him. From the sounds of it, it’s for the best.” 

 

“He’s right,” Jonny’s soft voice comes from beside him; when Adrian looks over at him, he immediately deflates into his side. An arm comes around his shoulders easily, pulling him in. He momentarily wonders why he didn’t confide in Jonny sooner; then he remembers that, oh right, this was supposed to begin and end at a simple thought about Alex’s pretty eyes, and he’s now spent over three months trying to convince himself it’s as easy as that. None of this is easy, and even with his closest teammates there to tell him they think he should tell Alex- which he’s actually considered about zero times through all of this- anxiety suffocates him at just the thought. 

 

“It’s not… that’s just not going to happen, I can’t risk all that,” he mumbles directly into Jonny’s shoulder. Again it scares him that by ‘all that’ he doesn’t think he means his spot on the team or anything, but Alex’s trust and friendship. There’s too much to lose- the simple pleasure of their ten minute drive to the arena, looking forward to dinner not just so he can stuff his face but because he has a blast while they do their best to cook, watching The Office with him because half the amusement is that Alex knows every episode, overall having him so ingrained in his day-to-day life. 

 

It takes him another fifteen minutes to pull himself off Brodzy this time. He thanks them all, gets a group hug, and lets them get back to their Switch tournament or whatever they were doing before he barged in.

 

He makes his way to his own door, feeling no better only calmer. Thanks to his head-down-shoulders-slumped brand of moping he almost collides with Dustin Brown on his way around the corner.

 

“What’s got you all…” Brownie looks him up and down, and Adrian knows he’s always been pretty obvious so he doesn’t even try pretending like he doesn’t look as deflated as he feels. Dustin’s always been a good vet, too, looking out for them as best as he can. 

 

“Uh,” he clears his throat, trying to find a simple way to put it, “Feelings stuff? Trying to get over them…”

 

Brownie obviously stifles a laugh, which only makes Adrian chuckle too, mostly out of embarrassment. 

 

“Sorry, man,” Brownie offers along with a sympathetic smile, “That stuff’s difficult… Is it, uh, I hope you don’t mind my asking... but is it Alex?” 

 

“What? How did you- what?” Adrian sputters, appalled. 

 

“Juice, Juice, it’s not a problem, I don’t mind if you’re… whatever you are, or with him, or not with him,” Brownie starts, trailing off once Adrian starts shaking his head. 

 

“I’m sorry. You are right, I just- It’s not A Thing, okay,” Adrian stresses, “It’s an ‘I’m dumb and don’t know how to keep myself in check’ thing, mostly…” 

 

“So he’s not-”

 

“Not gay, or into me, or even aware this is happening,” Adrian quickly corrects and doesn’t put much weight behind the ensuing surprised look on his face. Or, more accurately, tells himself not to after he wonders if Dustin thinks Alex would’ve noticed, given he guessed so easily… with every passing second it feels heavier. 

 

“I won’t say a word,” Brownie confirms, though Adrian hadn’t thought for a second he would. 

 

“Thanks,” he tries a smile through the wave of nausea brought on by sudden panic. Adrian hadn’t really considered that everyone on the team may be able to see right through him, that maybe Alex could… “I’m gonna catch up on Netflix and some sleep, though… catch you around…” 

 

Dustin lets him go, despite the worry that’s etched onto his features when Adrian looks up one last time. 

 

That panic over his possible translucency doesn’t go away and he doesn’t end up getting much sleep at all. 

 

~ 

 

They get back to Los Angeles on Tuesday. The twenty minute drive from LAX to their apartment is awful. Alex has been shooting him strange glances since the start of the flight. Adrian knows it’s because he hadn’t said more than five words at a time to Alex between Friday and getting in the car with him at the airport. 

 

“So, uh, my parents are gonna be in town tomorrow, I’ll basically be with them all day,” Alex brings up, and Adrian feels even worse for the awkward silence when he once again remembers it’s Alex’s birthday this week. 

 

He pushes away the thought of Alex’s birthday present already as neatly wrapped as he could manage in his bedroom closet and clears his throat to make sure his voice comes out steadily. “Sounds fun,” is all he can come up with, and after a beat it already feels too late to say anything more. 

 

“Won’t be home till well after dinnertime, so you know,” Alex’s voice is smaller now, a bit dejected. It sounds wrong, makes Adrian’s bottom lip wobble on a deep inhale because he knows he’s coming across as an asshole, is acting like one. He hasn’t been able to pull himself out of it, though. At least on the road he could fool himself into thinking he wasn’t actively avoiding Alex while he clung onto hope that he could get over his feelings for him.

 

“Okay, I- I really hope you have a good day with them,” Adrian tries to emphasize the sincerity of his statement. He doesn’t apologize for going about literally everything the wrong way before they get home and part to go about the rest of their day in radio silence. He wants to, though, and he continues to want to as he keeps to himself in his bedroom. 

 

Adrian doesn’t apologize for acting so stupidly cruel all weekend, he doesn’t tell Alex that he feels more for him than he ever thought he’d feel for another person; he stays in his room until the next morning when he hears Alex leave. 

 

He texts Mitchell to see if he’s free later, because even if he doesn’t think it’ll help him forget about Alex, at least he has a good shot at getting laid and that may be the closest he’ll get to shaking the nervous energy out of his bones. 

 

Mitchell answers after about twenty minutes with a yes, and Adrian notes that his intentions weren’t unclear when a second text soon comes in reading ‘mine or yours?’. 

 

Adrian talks himself out of telling Mitchell to forget about coming over about a hundred times in the couple hours between sending him the address and the time he said he’d arrive. By the time it’s six-thirty-ish, he’s got his plan down to the bare bones-  _ fuck the frustration out, salvage his friendship with Alex, live life without all these damn complications in the way.  _

 

He still takes a swig of whiskey from the spare bottle in the freezer to help the shake in his hands just moments before the knock on the door comes. 

 

“Hey, handsome,” Mitchell drawls as soon as Adrian flings open the door. He’s just as attractive in better lighting. Adrian knows he was caught checking him out by the smirk he sees when his eyes get back to the man’s face, but he only matches the smirk and then he’s reaching out to pull him inside by the front of his shirt. 

 

“Hey yourself,” he licks over his lips, and has the mind to briefly hope that the shot of whiskey isn’t obvious on his mouth when he leans in to kiss Mitchell once he gets the door locked. He doesn’t say anything about it, just kisses back. 

 

Their mouths work smoothly together, their bodies too as Adrian pulls them to the end of the front hall, towards the turn to his bedroom. They make it as far as the wall opposite the door before Mitchell takes control and presses him up against it. He’s panting when they part, unused to the closeness with another person but it’s not bringing the kind of relief it did over the summer with Luke. Adrian drops his head back and lets Mitchell move his mouth down his jaw, over his neck, and tries to let his frame go lax against the wall. Chewing into his bottom lip, he shifts into the other man, lifting a leg to swing around the back of one of Mitchell’s to slot their bodies closer together.

 

“Eager,” Mitchell chides teasingly, but Adrian’s even more eager to push his mouth against his again to stop any other remarks. Wanting to limit the actual conversation doesn’t make him feel like as big of a dick as it should, probably. He gets an amused hum against his tongue for it, so at least Mitchell doesn’t think so. 

 

Adrian drapes his arms over Mitchell’s shoulders, perfectly fine to let the man’s hands wander up under his shirt, over his abs, grab at his hips. The warmth in the depths of his stomach is faint but he thinks he can work with that, grinds his hips up and earns a moan from Mitchell. He’s hard in his slacks, and a very nice size from the feel of it, so he does it again. Mitchell again goes to kiss sloppily down the front of his throat, and Adrian’s content to let him do that as well. 

 

“You’re so hot,” is mumbled over his adam’s apple, “So glad you used my number, fuck.” 

 

He didn’t hear the jingle of keys and the rattle of the lock through Mitchell’s words, but he does hear Alex’s voice call- “Adrian, I brought you left- oh…”- and the drop of his key ring against the hardwood loud and clear. 

 

His eyes fly open stupidly wide, swears his heart stops for a moment or maybe even two when he sees Alex’s stunned-still face staring right back at him from the doorway. 

 

“Shit, I didn’t know you had a-” Mitchell doesn’t finish his sentence once Adrian scrambles out of his grip, shoving him away with a bit too much force. 

 

“Alex, I-” 

 

“Sorry! I’m so sorry to interrupt, I’ll go,” Alex looks and sounds absolutely horrified as he apologizes, dropping a nondescript bag to the floor and looking around frantically to find where his keys slid. Every one of the five to ten seconds while Alex picks them up feels like it passes in slow motion, forcing Adrian to watch the stiffness of Alex’s whole body as he does, forcing him to wait for Alex to look up at him for even a moment. He doesn’t, and then he’s turning back the way he came. 

 

“No, please, Alex, I can explain,” he manages to stammer out only once Alex is hurling the door closed behind himself, and Adrian’s legs won’t work to chase after him. That’s maybe for the best; he doesn’t think he can actually explain without messing things up more and at this moment he doesn’t want to unravel the meaning behind Alex’s horrified reaction. 

 

It’s likely only in his head that the slam of the door echoes over and over, but Mitchell seemingly respects his current state and stays silent for the time being. Adrian collapses against the nearest wall, presses both palms to his eyes to stop the sting. He waits until the thud of his heart doesn’t feel like it’s about to crack open his ribcage to let them drop. 

 

“Sorry, I-” 

 

“I’ll go, don’t worry,” Mitchell interrupts when Adrian’s voice cracks, “You gonna be okay?” 

 

“Sure,” he huffs, unable to keep the undertone of resentment out of the word. After a few more deep breaths and when he’s sure he won’t burst into tears in doing so, Adrian continues, “Just my roommate. He doesn’t know I’m gay...  or that I’m in love with him…” 

 

“Oh, wow… well, he definitely has his suspicions about one of those now,” Mitchell’s reply would be amusing if Adrian could focus on anything but his new worst nightmare coming true. He kind of wishes spiders had grown wings instead. 

 

Mitchell leaves a minute later, and Adrian calls Mario from right there on the floor. Mario calms him down, tells him no one on the face of the planet has the right to make him feel guilty for  being who he is, and if Alex wants to then he’s clearly giving his adoration to the wrong person. Adrian wants to agree, but he can only sniffle loudly into the phone. 

 

When eleven o’clock rolls around and Alex still hasn’t come home, Adrian gets the hint that he won’t be back at all. He’d already sobbed to the point of dry heaving over the toilet so he doesn’t have the energy to express much more emotion about the fact. There’s still a sharp twinge of hurt in his chest when he thinks about Alex being that disgusted with him.

 

He already texted Jonny about it- figured someone else on the team should know- but texts again to ask for an update if he hears from Alex at all. 

 

~ 

 

Before he rolls out of bed the next morning, he’s already hoping to find a text from Alex, anything that would give even the slightest implication that he doesn’t hate Adrian’s guts. There’s only one from Jonny saying ‘Alex is going to the rink early, like in an hour. Go and talk to him.’. Adrian doesn’t know how to feel about that, but he’s sure Jonny wouldn’t turn his back on him even if Alex did think the worst, so he takes it at face value. He answers with a ‘Thank you’. 

 

Moving through his morning routine, it’s too obvious that Alex has been a huge part of it. He tries to push through the parts that bring back memories of all his ideas for Alex’s birthday, too. Like trying to make Alex waffles and bacon, his favourite, and cleaning the whole apartment so Alex wouldn’t have to worry about dishes or washing the bathroom sink even though it’s his turn… He tells himself it’s stupid and even if he can’t shake the feelings he has for him, he shouldn’t have let himself get so wrapped up in wanting to make Alex happy, in being happy  _ with _ him. It was never something he was allowed to have. He keeps himself from ripping the name tag off the gift and pushes away the second thoughts about the ‘World’s Best Boss’ mug and engraved watch inside. 

 

None of the reassurances he recites to himself on the way to the Toyota Sports Center helps him shake less as he walks in. His heart beats faster and harder with each turn he makes towards the locker room, only to find it empty. Alex’s gear is there, so he knows he arrived but he’s not on the ice. He drops his own bag on the floor and puts the birthday gift carefully atop Alex’s. 

 

He’s sure he’s experiencing dangerously high blood pressure as he forces himself into the rink next. His hands are unusually sweaty, only made worse by how tightly they’re fisted in the pockets of his jeans as he walks onwards stiffly. 

 

It’s not nerves that stops him in his tracks when he spots Alex on the bleachers; probably isn’t self-preservation either, because what even is that, at this point. 

 

Alex’s downturned profile is complimented so well in the half-lit contrast of the practice rink. Adrian’s heart clenches with the knowledge that this might be one of the last times he’s gifted with such a precious, calm moment of Alex’s presence; like late nights on the couch shoulder-to-shoulder. Maybe it’s ruined by the hurt in his chest that’s slowly blooming throughout his whole being, but he reasons that most moments he’s ever basked in the love he feels for this man have been tainted by some guilt, by the painful truth. 

 

Adrian only pushes himself to continue when he feels the lingering urge to run in the opposite direction becoming almost too much. The least he owes Alex on his birthday is the truth, and that’s what really makes him go. He still tries to be as quiet as possible making his way to Alex. 

 

As soon as he steps foot on the creaky bleacher stairs Alex’s head raises. He forces a smile, a tight-lipped thing that doesn’t do anything to loosen the tension he can see in the other man’s shoulders already.

 

“What... are you doing here?” Alex asks before he can get his voice to work and say ‘hi’. 

 

“Came to talk,” he answers quietly when he gets to the end of the bench Alex is on, one hand nervously rubbing at the back of his neck now, eyes glued somewhere by his feet. 

 

“If it’s about last night, it’s f-” 

 

“Please, let me,” Adrian interrupts, face tight with distress when he does look up, “It’s about last night, but also a lot more than that. I- I’m sorry you had to walk in on that. But I’m also sorry I didn’t come out to you before there was ever an opportunity for something like that to happen…”

 

Alex breaks eye contact first, and Adrian still can’t read him. He takes in a shaky breath and continues regardless of the wobble in his voice, “I guess I just thought it’d be easiest to do it after I got… over you.” 

 

He winces at that, not that he didn’t already feel split open and raw but because he wishes he had a better way to say it. 

 

Adrian doesn’t realize he’s wholly focused on the netting far behind Alex to avoid his reaction until Alex speaks up, “Over me?” 

 

Something about the breathlessness in the two words makes him look at Alex without the too-familiar suspense of expecting to find a disgusted face. Alex is still unreadable, but there’s a spike of hope when he doesn’t find an ounce of fear or hate in his eyes. 

 

“Over my feelings for you… non-platonic feelings,” he sighs, reflexively returning both hands to his pockets again as he continues in a rush, “I thought it would happen a lot sooner, and it just… didn’t, I definitely didn’t get over them but I don’t think I made myself really try. I- I totally get if this all makes you uncomfortable, and I can move out if you want me to, I’d-I’d get that too.” 

 

He’s holding his breath and very barely keeps himself from jumping back when Alex gets up from the bench then. 

 

“Holy shit, Adrian,” Alex breathes, eyes impossibly wide as he makes the five feet between them in two strides, “Don’t you ever mention moving out ever again.” 

 

He makes a wounded noise that was definitely supposed to be a ‘what’ when Alex grabs him and kisses him. It’s followed by another involuntary sound when he melts into the lips on his, softer and something that makes Alex’s mouth spread against his into a half-grin. His brain doesn’t have the chance to catch up to all of this because he doesn’t waste a second of being able to catalogue the fluid motion of Alex’s mouth, the taste of his tongue when it glides effortlessly into his own mouth.

 

Adrian doesn’t know who pulls back, but it’s clear it’s only because after just a couple minutes they got too caught up to remember to breathe steadily given they’re both panting. He lets his forehead press down against Alex’s, keeping his eyes closed. There’s a completely different but just as overwhelming swell of emotion in his chest now. Alex’s hand is soft against his cheek, his own hand mirrored on Alex’s face but there’s the brush of Alex’s thumb over his cheekbone and he swears he must be floating mid-air. 

 

“I’m sorry I made you think all that, I’m definitely, definitely not uncomfortable with it, alright,” Alex starts, voice a bit gravelly and so close it sends a swoop of heat through Adrian’s stomach, “I was so fucking jealous last night, I couldn’t come back in case he was still there, I would’ve lost my head entirely.” 

 

Nothing’s ever sounded better or felt more validating and Adrian soaks it in more selfishly than he should. “Shh- happy birthday,” he mutters through a huge smile, ducking in to kiss Alex with the enthusiasm he’s wanted to for so long.

 

~ 

 

They didn’t get enough (any) talking done before morning skate rolls around to decide on if they’re telling people at all, but their cover’s quickly blown after the OT win that night.  It’s while Alex is showing off the watch, not a hint of shame in his pride even as a few of the guys chirp the cheesiness of Adrian’s engraving ‘ _ 2017-18 Season, the year he made it _ ’ around the Kings’ logo on the back of the piece. Adrian hasn’t stopped staring and smiling, ridiculously huge like he’s intoxicated, and he thinks he may be high on having put the smile on Alex’s face.

 

He catches Jonny’s knowing grin in his periphery enough to make him look that way, and they’re sharing a bit of a moment when Tanner exclaims, “Wait- wait, it FINALLY happened! It really happened!” 

 

Adrian looks over out of the sheer shock of a voice louder than the rumble of so many voices between the brick walls and soon realizes Tanner’s head is swinging rapidly between himself and where Alex is also gaping at him. His face flames but when he and Alex meet glances again they both burst out in disbelieving laughter. 

 

“I was really beginning to think it was never gonna-” Tanner’s hollering is cut short by a big wad of tape bouncing right off the middle of his forehead, “Fuck, Tyler, stop that!” 

 

“Anyway-” Tyler diverts, sounding thoroughly exasperated, “Fallsy, are we going out to celebrate your birthday?”

 

“Nah, man,” Alex answers without breaking eye contact with Adrian, who’s beaming before he even finishes, “Thanks but we’re definitely staying in.”  


End file.
